Bullying - Parents / Caregivers

A meta-analysis of 80 studies analyzing bullying involvement rates (for both bullying others and being bullied) for 12-18 year old students reported a mean prevalence rate of 35% for traditional bullying involvement and 15% for cyberbullying involvement. (Modecki, Minchin, Harbaugh, Guerra, & Runions, 2014 Of those students who reported being bullied, 13% were made fun of, called names, or insulted; 13% were the subject of rumors; 5% were pushed, shoved, tripped, or spit on; and 5% were excluded from activities on purpose. (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019).

We are definitely seeing, in our schools especially, “that gratuitous references to “bullying” are creating a bit of a “little boy who cried wolf” phenomena. In other words, if kids and parents improperly classify rudeness and mean behavior as bullying — whether to simply make conversation or to bring attention to their short-term discomfort — we all run the risk of becoming tired of hearing the word that this actual life altering (and sometimes as far as deadly) issue among young people loses its urgency as quickly as it rose to prominence. It is important to distinguish between rude, mean and bullying so that authorities, parents and kids all know what to pay attention to and when to intervene. As we have heard too often in the news, a child’s future may depend on an adult’s ability to discern between rudeness at the bus stop and life-altering bullying (Signe Whitson).”

Signs of bullying

There are many signs of bullying. As a blanket statement what parents would look out for is any shifts from the norm in their child. More specifically changes can be seen in these areas: Changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating patterns, frequent tears or anger, mood swings, feeling ill in the morning, becomes withdrawn or starting to stutter, becomes aggressive and unreasonable, refusing to talk about what is wrong, beginning to target siblings, continually “losing” money or valuables, doesn't want to go to school, changing their route to school or are frightened of walking or going to school or doesn't want to go to school on the bus/tram/train. Physical signs are easier to discern: Has unexplained bruises, cuts, scratches, comes home with missing or damaged belongings or clothes, comes home hungry.

Advice to parents

We have to realize that we as parents, do not have full control over policies, government, school etc. Equally we cannot stop what is happening on the internet, we cannot lock our children up, away from playgrounds, school grounds, streets and computers. There are ways of reducing bullying, minimizing its existence in schools with tight anti-bullying policies. However, we are not in control of that and despite many well intended policies bullying still occurs. There are a few things we as parents can do at home. Firstly, is to establish good communication between you and your child, and this should start well before any bullying has happened. This will help keep the lines of communication open and if trouble arises you will be more likely to know about it. Ask questions about their social life. If something troubling has happened to them, listen, reassure and support, do not over overreact. If your child is being bullied, remind them that it's not their fault, they are not alone, and you are there to help. It's important for children to identify their feelings so they can communicate what's going on; therefore, parents should talk about their own feelings and how they handle situations.

Although there might be talks at school about bullying, having a talk with your children about what bullying is is important. Demystifying the bully, understanding why children bully takes power away from them. Once our children understand what lies behind the bully, our children have the opportunity to rise above their own fears. They can feel greater self-mastery when they understand the true nature of the bully, their insecurities, and need for power. The reason the bully is able to control a child is because of the child’s fear of the bully, it encourages the bully to continue their abuse. Once a child realizes the mentality of the bully the thoughts that they meet a bully with should change. Once these change, the feeling changes from fear and so the behavior changes to be more assertive and hence what we portray, our body language changes which, in turn shifts the paradigm. If you are more assertive, you are less of a target. Equally the better your child feels about themselves, the less likely the bullying will affect their self-esteem. It is important for parents to help young children deal with a bully. Help them learn how to make smart choices and take action when they feel hurt or see another child being bullied, and be ready to intervene if necessary.

Reasons for bullying

We sometimes hear that bullies harass other people because they are emotionally insecure or socially incompetent. They resort to harassment and intimidation because they can’t think of any better way of getting attention. The reality is more complicated than that. There seem to be different types of bullies, the ones who have themselves been bullied and the ones who feel like social misfits, depressed, anxious, or lonely. In contrast, there are also the “pure" bullies. These are the people who always occupy the dominant role. They don’t get victimized by other bullies. And they seem to reap the benefits of their position. These bullies aren’t necessarily high-strung, insecure, socially clueless, or academically inept. Other research supports the idea of the confident bully. Studies conducted in Finland, Ireland, and the United States have all found that kids who bullied were more likely to have positive self-concepts (Kaukianien et al 2002; Collins and Bell 1996; Pollastri et al 2010).

If pure bullies aren’t suffering from deficits in social reasoning, self-esteem, self-control, or social status….then just what is missing? New research points to an old-fashioned answer. These bullies may simply have trouble with moral reasoning. One study found that bullies scored low on a test of empathic reactivity (Gini 2006b). Other studies (Obermann 2011; Perren et al 2012; Pozzoli et al 2012) report that bullies are more likely to justify their behavior in terms of the consequences for themselves, rely on rationalizations that make anti-social behavior seem acceptable.

Non shaming approach

Whether or not it satisfies our sense of justice, condemnations and blame do not seem to motivate bullies to change their behavior. When researchers have analyzed anti-bullying tactics, they’ve found that blaming and shaming had no effect on a child’s intentions to stop bullying. What did change a bully’s intentions was a clear condemnation of the behavior, and attempts to make the bully feel empathy for the children he or she harmed (Garandeau et al 2016). If we want children to stop bullying, we’re more likely to succeed by distinguishing the behavior from the individual. The behavior is bad, and won’t be tolerated. The person can grow and change. Not every bully is ready to empathize. Some may suffer from psychiatric problems that make empathy more difficult. But many bullies are perfectly capable of feeling empathy for others, and research shows that inducing empathy helps motivate them to change.

Ways to seek help

Being an upstander (and not a passive bystander) means a child takes positive action when she sees a friend, or another student being bullied. Ask your child how it feels to have someone stand up for her, and share how one person can make a difference. "When it's the kids who speak up, it's ten times more powerful than anything that we'll ever be able to do as an adult," says Walter Roberts, author of Working With Parents of Bullies and Victims.

If your child is reluctant to report the bullying, go with him to talk to a teacher, guidance counselor, principal, or school administrator. Learn about the school's policy on bullying, document instances of bullying and keep records, and stay on top of the situation. When necessary, get help from others outside of school, like a family therapist or a police officer, and take advantage of community resources that can deal with and stop bullying.

You can contact the offending child’s parents. This is the right approach only for persistent acts of intimidation, and when you feel these parents will be receptive to working in a cooperative manner with you. Make it clear that your goal is to resolve the matter together.